What will they think... the flip side

So, two posts ago I wallowed in my own insecurities about what others might think of my parenting and I realized, thanks to a friend, that I'm looking at it all wrong. I'm stressing out for nothing!

You see, my friend Julie is in the middle of her own personal hell right now and yet she took the time the other night to listen to/share kid woes with me (her son is the same age as William). She said two key things that made me say, "oh my god, I've got this all wrong!". #1 as we talked about what struggles we're having with our boys and how different my daughter is from William, when I asked for her advice she merely said, "I don't know, really. I'm sorry, we just keep trying different things to see what works." And #2 she expressed her worry that sometimes, in losing her temper, she feared she was teaching her son the wrong lesson. And I realized, I shouldn't be paranoid about what other parents think... they're in the same boat I am! They have their own worries, their own styles, their own kids and their own lives to worry about... they're not judging mine! Shoot, if there were just one answer, there WOULD be an instruction manual by now. But there's not. We're different people, with different temperaments, with different kids. We're all trying, succeeding, falling down, getting up again, finding answers and finding new questions. What works for her son may not work for William, what works for William may not work for Elizabeth, what works for William THIS WEEK may not work for him next week. It's a crap-shoot kids. She was just brave (or sane) enough to admit it. She gave me the freedom to admit that it's okay to say, "I don't know... I'm just trying." In my insecurity, I feel like I have to have the right answers and I have to have them now. But carrying a child in my womb doesn't give me all the answers (nor does it give me eyes in the back of my head, but don't tell William). I will keep having to learn new lessons, and it's OKAY. Parenting is on-the-job training, you don't get the answers BEFORE the test... you discover them as you go.

So as I struggle with William right now, and he IS a major struggle right now... I will remember to enjoy being around other parents rather than stressing. Because I might learn something cool from them. I might see something they do that will spark an idea for me. And if I'm lucky, I'll return the favor by maybe thinking of something THEY haven't thought of yet. Instead of stressing that my friend Summer is WAY quieter when she disciplines than I am, I'll watch and learn... either that I want to follow her example or maybe that her example won't work for my kid. But either way, I'll learn. And when Julie and Nate (her boy) and William and I are having a playdate, I'll enjoy the differences... in our kids, in our parenting styles, in ourselves. It makes life more interesting and I may learn something new and exciting. And when my sister-in-law and her hubby and kids visit, or when my sister has her own child in November... I won't stress if we have different table rules, or discipline styles, or bedtime rituals or whatever. I'll be too busy worrying about whatever experiment I'm trying and they'll be too busy worrying about theirs.

My therapist once told me that in my own anxiety, I spend WAY too much time worrying what others think of me and not enough time living. She pointed out that everyone has their own worries, their own insecurities and their own lives... they're too busy to worry about mine. So I should stop worrying about them and just GO LIVE!

And so I will. This week, I will enjoy the differences between William and Elizabeth and learn to find what works for them separately. And as we struggle to deal with our latest challenge with William (he's forgetting his manners, he's WAY too hyper around company, he's being very argumentative and combative)... I'll just have to keep trying new things. I'll come up with my own plans or perhaps borrow some from other parents that might work. But most of all... I'll be OKAY with it. I'll accept that I don't have the answers and accept that no one else does either. We're all in this together. I'd better learn to enjoy the adventure rather than stew in my paranoia... because the last lesson I want to teach William is to lose sight of the road because he's focusing too much what's around the next bend instead of just putting one foot in front of the other. I want to teach him to enjoy the journey instead of wishing the whole time that he had a map that tells him exactly where to go.

These are a few of my favorite things... and on a serious note

Lest you think this is a lovely, touchy feely, Sound of Music inspired entry... let me disabuse you of that notion promptly. I love sarcasm and "favorite things" is sarcastic here. Well, mostly.

I was telling my in-laws the other day (to make them feel happy that parental curses do indeed come true and we have children JUST LIKE OURSELVES) about the two things William does that make me CRAZY just like I drove my mom crazy. Now, let me define crazy here. I don't mean those slightly annoying things children do that make you sigh, take your own time-out, or make you raise your voice. I mean face-red, hyperventillating, eyes-popping-out, shouting so loud the neighbors wonder CRAZY!

#1 - talking back. Now, you say, all children talk back. No no folks, no no. Not like this. William keeps talking and talking and talking and shouting and interrupting and muttering. Let me give you an example.
Me: William go potty and get dressed we have to take Tante (that's my sister) to work
William: I'm too tired.
Me: William we have 20 minutes (seems like enough time, doesn't it? keep reading) go potty and get dressed
William: No.
Me: William DO NOT tell mommy no. You do not argue with mommy. One more no and you get a time out. Now go!
William: It will take too long
Me: WILLIAM!! What is taking too long is you TALKing to me about it rather than doing it, GO POTTY AND GET DRESSED.
William: But I don't want to.
Me: Time OUT! Sit your BUTT down.
William: But we have to go get Tante.
Me: WILL-YUM! Time out and then use the potty and get dressed, we have 10 minutes!
William: FINE! (in the time out and muttering under his breath)... "i'm so tired, this is taking forever. I'm going to just stay here"
Me: What?! No talking in time out.
William: I wasn't talking
Me: You JUST DID. QUIET!!! I don't want one more word
William: But
Me: Zip it!
William: Bu..
Me: SHUT IT! Stop TALKING. STOP. Jeeezus!
William: Mommy don't say Jesus.
Me: (slowly) William. We. Have. 5. Minutes. Get up. Go Potty. Get dressed. Do. Not. Speak. Just. Get. Dressed.
William: Okay mommy. He goes to the bathroom. I hear a flush, sounds of hand washing and then, muffled from behind the door. "I don't like this shirt..."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

#2 - Staring. My mom and step-dad like to tell a story of my mom going so crazy because we would not do what she asked us to do that she began heaving ALL her shoes down the hallway while screaming at the top of her lungs. This used to be funny to me. Now I know. Worse than William outright saying No or talking back is "the stare". William will choose to stare at me as though I have spoken another language. He doesn't walk away. He doesn't cry or scream. He doesn't protest. He stands stock-still and STARES at me as though I have seriously just spoken in another language. It makes me CRAZY. Shoe-throwing, so-help-me-God, C-R-A-Z-Y. Here's a sample from our past.
Me: William go potty.
He stands frozen, in the middle of the playroom, a quizzical look on his face.
Me: William!? Did you hear me? Go Potty.
Nothing. Frozen. Quizzical look has changed to mild concern. Perhaps he's thinking I'm going to have a fit.
Me: WILLIAM!! Go! If I reach 3 and you're not on that potty, you'll lose all your Star Wars guys, now go!
Still nothing. Starting to tear up. Frozen like an animal stuck in quicksand.
Me: One
Nothing.
Me: Two!
He's looking around, almost panicked, but still not moving.
Me: You'd better move, mister!
Frozen.
Me: THREEE! That's it, no more Star Wars guys.
Tears now... but still frozen.
Me: William, do you want to lose your baseball stuff next (he LOVES baseball).
Nothing.
Me: Fine you've lost all the baseball stuff too! Now Go!!!!!
Now's he's crying loudly but still not moving or using any intelligible words. I'm totally at a loss. I finally grab him by the arms and start lugging him toward the bathroom. He begins screaming like I've dismembered him, yelling "ow! We stop.
Me: Well, what is WRONG with you? Don't you understand me? I asked you a million times!
He's staring again and silent. I LOSE it.
Me: Am I speaking ENGLISH?! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!!! I said go potty! When I say go potty, YOU. GO. POTTY. You don't stand there staring at me like you don't understand English. You GO!!!! What is wrong with you? Go, Go, Go, Go, GOOOOO! NOW!
Still frozen, tears rolling down his face. I feel like a total shit because I have made him cry but I'm freaking out because I can't make him move and I'm starting to understand the temptation to hit and it frightens me.
Me: Jesus Christ William, forget it! Pee your pants. I'm going downstairs. I can't take this anymore. Mommy needs a time out.
William: (finally a response) Mommy, don't say Jesus Christ. It's not nice.
Me: (under my breath) seriously? kill me now.
William: what? are you just kidding mommy?
Me: (sighing) William, just go potty.
William: okay. trots off as though the last few minutes haven't happened.
Meanwhile, I need to shower, re-comb my hair and go away because I have worked myself into a tizzy of gigantic proportions. I walk downstairs and take calming breaths, pace a little, throw some pillows or shoes and try to talk myself into calming down and letting it go. I'm exhausted and I want to crawl in bed. And it's only 7:30 a.m.

The last part of the above situation brings to mind my current "favorite thing" that I do actually love. William is starting to get sarcasm and he is now often saying "are you just kidding?". Mike and I find this hysterically funny (usually) and love to joke with him now just to hear him say it. Like the other day he fell down and was over-doing the crying thing so I told him we'd have to remove his butt and get him a new one since it seemed to be so injured. The tears dried up, he smiles and says, "are you just kidding mommy?" Kills me. Or Mike will say something about food like, "well, we'll just feed you buffalo then" and William will look at him, totally unsure and say, "are you just kidding Daddy?" in a hopeful voice.

And finally, on a serious note. I read a horrible story the other day about a boy in Utah who was killed and buried my his step-father and mother... most likely because they couldn't handle a 4 year old's antics (they didn't have custody, he was visiting). I then read a blog post by a father that he wrote as an apology to his son (after reading about the boy in Utah) for losing his patience and yelling when the boy tore his pants or wouldn't go to sleep or made a mess while eating or splashed too much in the bath or wiggled to much in his chair at dinner. The man said, "I'm sorry for expecting you to act like a man, when you are just a little boy. I will adjust my expectations to your age instead of mine. I'm sorry son. Forgive me. I will be a better father. I will be more patient. Parenting is harder than I thought. But let me instead be thankful for each day I have you." I cried reading this because I had just freaked out about William sitting too far back in his chair at the table and thus spilling food off his fork. I realized, I too can forget that what makes sense to me, just doesn't yet occur to a 3-almost-4 year old. I realized I too need to adjust my expectations and instruct patiently, rather than just expecting him to know or to remember instantly a lesson that will take him years to learn because his memory just isn't that long. I realized he tries so hard to please and one just impatient word from me, one insult can just crush him. So next time he spits toothpaste down his shirt instead of into the sink, or in his excitement for life jumps down from his chair before being excused, or forgets to say please, or bowls over his sister while playing with her... I will remember. He needs reminding, he needs patience, he needs instruction and he needs me to try to be the best mom possible even if I'm tired, rushed, sick or in need of a break. I will remember to be thankful for him. Because each day I have him, I am lucky. I have been blessed with a son. One who loves me unconditionally. One who deserves to be allowed to learn, grow, fall and make mistakes without judgement. So one day if you read this William... I am lucky, I'm sorry when I lost patience. And you are a great little boy.

What will they think?

As I child, I was often worried (too worried) about what others thought of me. So I continually modified my behavior, my opinions, my style of dress, etc. to suit those around me. As I've been watching William over the past couple of weeks, I realize that he, too, is like this and I'm not sure if he learns it from me (kids are very adept at picking up on their parents stresses, moods and worries) or if it's an innate quality. Unfortunately his nervousness often manifests into an over-attempt to impress/entertain/gain approval from friends and family whom he seldom sees and he can get either hyper or over-sensitive. Unfortunately, I also realized, that I STILL care too much what others think and now that I'm a mother... I care too much what they think of my children, particularly my eldest as he is much more open to judgement at nearly 4 years old than is his sister (who at a year old is often just the, "awww isn't she cute" half of my duo).
I was analyzing last night why I'd been so stressed over the past couple weeks and it's because it has been particularly full of family and friends. Between a brunch/baseball game with my sis and her friends, a huge Mother's Day gathering at my house, 3 playdates with friends he cherishes very much and whose mothers mean a lot to me... it's been a lot. Not because it's bad to be busy or see all those people, but because I finally realized last night, that I was worrying too much of what those people thought of my parenting and of William's behavior. As we played with my friend Summer and her boy Gavin, I realized that I tried to soften my voice, my demeaner and my discipline because they are much quieter people than Mike, William, I (and I assume Elizabeth too) are. At Mother's Day I found myself worrying if my sister and her hubby, my in-laws and my sis-in-law and her hubby found me too harsh, too soft, or a combination. Around my other friend Julie, who is less strict than I, I found myself struggling to make my house rules known lest it seem like I was criticizing her in the process.
I've come to the conclusion (and those of you mentioned in this who will read this, please don't take offense)... it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. I have to do what I feel is right and parent the way I want to parent. I have to take pride in the fact that, so far, every teacher, coach, babysitter and co-Mom's Club or Tiny Tots member that I've talked to has commended me on my son's behavior. Yes, he can get loud... but I don't find loudness, unless it's combined with rudeness or done when I've asked for quiet, to be bad behavior. He is a GOOD kid. But more important than what those teachers, coaches, etc. have said...what matters is that MIKE AND I think he's a good kid. That he behaves (in our house) the way WE EXPECT and follows the house rules in other people's houses. Because I want to teach William to be who HE IS, no matter what others think as long as it doesn't hurt others or stop their right to be themselves. If he likes baseball when his other friends don't, so be it! If he likes Star Wars or cooking or Iron Man or doing puzzles and other kids don't, who cares?
So if my friend Julie thought I was too harsh making William clean up his sand toys before joining the other boys in the big playground, so be it. I want William learning to clean up for himself. And if she thought it was too harsh when I told her son that at my table toys are not allowed during eating time, but since it was a special time he and William could be excused before she and I finished, so be it. I want William knowing what I expect of him at the table and that during a special time (Nate just lost his grandpa), we can sometimes make exceptions to make the most of the short time we might have with special friends.
If Julie, Summer, my neighbors, my sister, family or in-laws disagree with our table rules or house rules, so bet it. In our house a disrespectful noise earns an instant time-out. In our house we respect eachother's words and boundaries (this one is taking major reminding right now... he has trouble being GENTLE). In our house you are seated during the family meal and excused when all are finished... however, during "long" occasions (ie. the adults will be talking for a LONG time) he may be excused early to play in ANOTHER AREA or he may color quietly at the table. In our house, it is okay to ask questions of mom and dad or to make a goofy face/sound at your sister to make her laugh. Dinner time for us is family time and requires manners, but it is not done in stone silence. We have fun, we laugh, we talk to each other. I want William to know this is okay, even if at Tante's house, Aunt Jo's house or Mom Mom's house it might be different. And in my house you SHARE the larger toys and the rule with other toys is that it is not okay to grab away toys, but if you put it down and walk away from it, it is fair game. In our house I don't care who started it, I WILL FINISH it. I won't always catch who did what or who said what, so my policy is to re-state the rule and restore order without assigning blame. I want William to know that you must share, you cannot hord, that I won't take sides and that, even in his house, he gets no special priveleges, in fact... if anyone does, it's the guest! I also need him to know that if the rules are different elsewhere he MUST follow them. He is to respect and obey his elders in their respective homes, classes, etc.
If my friend Summer thinks my voice is too loud or harsh when I correct William or that he and I play too energetically... so be it! I want William to enjoy a crazy game of baseball (with or without the proper rules), a frenetic game of basketball, a story full of silly faces and noises, playing with his sister even if it means both of them squealing at the top of their lungs, and being the boy he wants to be because life is short and I want him to make the most of it. He just can't do it at the expense of others. They don't have to like it... but they cannot be harmed by it.
I know he will forget his manners, shove and be shoved, cry, be too hyper, be too quiet, be too sensitive, etc. These will be my moments to teach him. I know he will have to learn that different rules apply in different places... so far he's pretty adept at understanding that, but he can learn even more. I know at times I can spoil him, but I'm also able to tell him (as I did just last week) "no" in the toy aisle of a store and have him calmly reply "okay, mommy". I accept that some will find my parenting too harsh, some too lenient and some just right... and I will learn not to care. Because I want William to know who HE IS. I want him to care for others as he wants to be cared for... but not to change who he is because of their opinions. I want him to know what he wants and to respect that others may want something different. I want him to respect others' differences in appearance, tastes, discipline, religion, politics, etc. WITHOUT judgement and with careful thought. And I want him to know all this because I want to lead by example. I want to be me no matter who I'm around.
And most importantly I have to say, so far I'm very proud of the son I'm raising. This is a boy who when someone else cries at Tiny Tots says, "mom, can we go cheer them up?". This is a boy who, tonight, when he sensed I wanted a quiet dinner, sat and ate quietly and then asked me if I was sad. When I assured him I was just tired, he offered me a piece of the special chocolate bar his daddy bought just for him. This is the boy who, when I say it's time to leave the playground/friend's house/park, etc. says nearly without fail "okay mommy" without tantrum or protest. This is the boy who, when someone attempts to correct him in our house per a rule he KNOWS is not mine, still obeys and then asks me later quietly if that was right. This is a boy who asks me daily (more than once a day actually), "Mommy, how's your day so far?" and actually cares what my answer is. This is the boy who, when we went to breakfast with parents who had far different restaurant rules than I had, accepted my answer of "different mommies have different rules" without question even though he was sad he wasn't allowed to do what the other boy was doing. This is a boy who can tease his sister one minute and then offer her his favorite doll the next. This is the boy who wells up with tears when he thinks he's offended someone or done something to make them mad. This is a boy who is doing 100 piece puzzles, reading before the age of 4, learning to write all his letters, already helping with the dishes/dogs, etc. and doesn't complain when doing any of the above interrupts his play time.
So I will stop stressing about what my friends and family and acquaintances think of me, my kids or my parenting. I will learn to be confident in my choices so my kids in turn, will be confident in theirs. And, although I am not the patient, quiet, calm parent I would prefer to be... I will be proud of who I am, who I am becoming and who I am raising. I hope William can be just as confident. He's an amazing kid, and I don't care if you agree.