Can I have a translator over here?

Here's the thing about 2 year olds... they don't speak clearly yet. Not all their words are intelligible, even to me, the mommy, who spends the most time with mine. Yet, I've discovered that as the parent, I'm a major disappointment to strangers when I don't prove an adequate translator. I'm thinking these strangers do NOT have children. Otherwise, one would hope they would remember those helpless days of looking at their child who's mumbling something close to "mwahmbrackle" and saying "I'm so sorry sweety, I STILL have no idea what you're saying!"

Now don't get me wrong, some words and phrases like "go away mommy, YES!, sit down sasha, no thanks, go outside and mommy coming too?" are as clear as a bell. But most of William's phrases come out as if he were speaking with an accent of someone whom perhaps cannot decide if he's from New Hampshire or Louisiana and thus combines them both.

Just today I took my son out to breakfast at Starbucks before he headed to daycare and I to my job and he was mumbling something in William-ese. This woman who was commenting on how darling he was, leaned toward him and said "what?" and then turns to me and says, "what did he say?" Upon declaring that I wasn't sure she looked at me as though I had admitted to taking drugs throughout my pregnancy, beating my son regularly and feeding him nothing but straight sugar each and every day. I just wanted to yell, "back off bitch! I've been trying to figure out that damn phrase that he's been repeating for about a week now but unfortunately 'mommy, ah druhn mek wel so' still does NOT resemble a phrase in the English language to me! YOU freakin' translate it!"

There is a cool part to all this frustration, though... when you figure out the phrase, you feel like freakin' Einstein. Here are some of my favorite phrases/mispronunciations currently translated from William-ese.

mulltuck = mailtruck
molca= motorcycle
fiyawoowoo = fire truck (don't ask)
meek = mixer (as in cement mixer, a favorite among trucks)
ismoke = iced mocha (or in his case, the organic milk sold at Starbucks)
bannie = banana
mall = melon
wait ta me! = wait for me
opeen tadoa = open the door
logga = yogurt
bah feet = bare feet
read de foxego = read the fables (I think he thinks all fables involve a fox)
duhbage tuck = garbage truck
sleep mommy = sleep with mommy
sleep dekib = sleep in the crib

So for all of you who run into parents and say "what's he saying?" keep in mind that God, in his infinite wisdom and ironic sense of humor will ensure that you too struggle with this one day. And for those of you new parents... good luck translating. If all else fails, look at the person who asked and said, "i don't know, but i think he's trying to say 'i kill you'... do you think I should worry?" They'll run in the other direction. :)

What the...?

So what is it with two year olds and straws? Can some experienced parent help me out with this one?

William has been drinking through a straw from a very young age because we skipped from bottles straight to regular cups and cups with straws so that we wouldn't have to mess with sippy cups. He's been doing great... FOREVER. Now, however, apparently straws are not for drinking. They are for either ripping out of juice/milk boxes (and dripping said drink everywhere), flipping out of aforementioned boxes in order to flick milk/juice on mommy or pushing all the way into the juice/milk box and thus rendering it useless (prompting the now overused phrase "mommy, ah need yo help!"). What the hell dude? The straw concept used to be simple. Insert straw... suck on straw. Now, however, it's a toy. A toy. A weapon. A drumstick. A whistle. Anything but a straw.

Oh and when did my sweet boy become such an opinionated, stubborn little poop? Last night Mike says "bath time" and William buries himelf beneath a blanket and out comes a muffled "no thanks!". LIKE WE WERE GIVING HIM AN OPTION! Uh no thanks? Kid... I still outweigh you by a good 100 lbs... I think I'm winning this one.

And everything is now, "MOOOOOVE MOMMY, I DO MYSELF!" We took him to see the local minor league baseball game the other night and apparently I was walking too closely behind him while he was walking down some stairs and mistaking my proximity for an attempt to help him, he shouts "No! Move, mommy! I walk myself!". I'm like "yeah I can SEE that William, I'm just walking too. Can I walk behind you?" He paused and just said, "no. move!" Now again, I'm winning this one kids... I still outweigh him and I'm STILL THE MOM! I mean, who does this little creature think he is? Insert time worn phrase - "I brought you into this world... I can take you out!" (Thank you, Bill Cosby).

The hard part is, most of the time... it makes me laugh. And I can't do that either because I need him to take my discipline seriously or I don't want him to thinking I'm laughing AT him. But it's funny. The earnest little face, the drawn eyebrows, the hand shooing me away. It's freakin' hilarious. And the drawn out "MOOOOOOOOVE!" just gets me. I think toddlers might just be the best comedic entertainment there is.

Time, Time Time

So you'll notice it's been a year since my last blog, OVER a year actually. Where the hell does the time go? I'll tell you... children are TIME SUCKERS. They suck time in amazing quantities and even more so if you're a working parent, which I am. You see, I want to spend all my non-working time (or have to just to get him fed, bathed & in bed) with him... so I do not want to get on my computer EVER anymore. But as I'm pregnant again, and starting a new blog for that, I thought I'd get this one moving again too.

William is now 2. TWO!!! He's a walking, talking, hitting, biting, testing, laughing, counting, singing toddler. The singing is hysterical. He sings his ABC's and then the last part comes out "Now My Know My ABC's...nes, murmer, murmer, murmer wiff meeeeee!". He also sings Twinkle Twinkle Little Star which comes out more "teen teen, teen teen wittel stars... how i, how i, murmer are! up aboff murmer high... like a dymon murmer skies". I just die laughing. The murmering when he doesn't know the words is killer.

I don't think children have any idea the amount of amusement they provide. Who needs TV when your toddler can sing "Teen, teen, teen, teen, wittel stars" at the top of his lungs OR go through the entire process of "putting you to bed" (this includes tucking mommy in, reading her a fable, turning off the light, turning on lullabyes and shutting the door) over and over and OVER. Toddlers are MASTERS of repitition. I think William's favorite word is "again?" Like when you swing him around even though you're too tired too and he laughs and says "again?" Or when you read a horribly cheesy kids book like Blues Clues: Blues Birthday party and he says "again" (5 times!). Or when you "bonk" yourself on the head with something and he laughs and says "again!" Yes, toddlers love the "again" request. Just make sure that whatever you've done to entertain them, you're willing to do AGAIN. And again and again and again... you get the picture.

Until I post AGAIN...

Dropping and Other Fun Games

You know that fun game where your toddler keeps dropping/throwing stuff off of his/her high chair to make mommy or daddy get it. Over and over and over again? Yeah, well, we're playing it. I asked a mom at daycare how you know when dropping things goes from cause & effect discovery to "hey, how many times will mommy pick this up?" and she said, "oh, you'll know."

I do. Because now my son gets this look on his face and WAITS for me to be watching him before dropping items off the chair. He gets a sort of half-smile, eyebrows raised, mischevious "are you watching?" expression and then holds the item in question over the floor as if to say "should I drop it? should I drop it?" If it's food sometimes my uh-uh, no-no! works and he puts it in his mouth or on his tray. Toys just go straigt over so he can hear the clatter of them hitting the ground.

This "is-she-seeing-me-misbehave-can-I-make-her-say-no" game has now extended to slapping the TV screen, taking all the CD's out of the CD tower, throwing his cup, etc. I tried a little reverse psychology this weekend and pretended not to see him touching the TV screen and it worked. He slapped it once and searched around for something else to grab my attention. Unfortunately this same tactic failed in the feeding chair this evening as, even though he did not get a reaction out of me... he enjoyed watching the dogs scramble and enjoyed the splat of the food too much. Oh well... win some, lose some, right?

He has graduated to some very fun games (fun for BOTH of us, I mean) too and it's just a ball. He is playing what my mom named the "goodbye game" where he crawls into the bathroom and shuts the door as we say "bye bye!" Then he opens the door so we can all shout "hello!" He even enjoys variations where we hide from him while the door is shut so that when he opens the door and sees no one, he crawls out excitedly (you can HEAR him breathing excitedly) so you can jump out and say "boo!" The other variation he opens the door JUUUUUST a crack so you can peek at him and say "peek-aboo." He can play this game for nearly an hour. I'm serious.

He seems to love games that involve suspsense. He likes us to duck down while he's on the changing table and then pop up and scare him. He also likes it when I sing-song what I'm doing in a VERY QUIET voice and then all of a sudden shout "blughaghagh" in the middle of the song. I love just thinking of new ways to surprise him.

Of course... he seems to enjoy thinking up new games to test me. Ah the joys of motherhood.

How early is too early?

So as I was typing the title to this post... I realized it could apply to two things experienced just in the last 24 hours of William's life.

#1... How early is too early to get up? Easy answer = anytime before 5:30 a.m. If he gets up then, I'm not too bummed, because hell, it's only 1/2 hour earlier than the time I intend (note I say intend, not succeed) to get up. This past night/morning, however, Mr. William decided 3:30 a.m. might make a good time. He awoke SCREAMING like fire ants had snuck into his crib or something. Now, when he cries in the middle of the night, he usually soothes himself back to sleep in about 2-10 minutes. But this was SCREAMING. So I go charging into the nursery, convinced I have earache #3 on my hands. Fever? Nope. Vomiting? Nope. Tummy issues? Nope. Okay... teeth? He does calm down briefly as he munches hard on some pacifiers we stuck in the freezer for teething issues. But that only helps for a bit. He then proceeds to drink 7.5 oz of milk and JUST when I think he's falling asleep he starts going "ba!" all wide-eyed and cute. This is NOT the time to play, I'm thinking. Somewhere around 5:00 a.m. he falls asleep and I sleep fitfully next to him on our futon because he keeps smacking me or kicking me. Needless to say, caffeine was a necessity today.

#2... how early is too early for bulemia? Okay, I'm kidding here... but my son has started this charming new habit that made me think of this today. While he's struggling to poop (right on schedule after dinner), which in and of itself can make him throw up... he has started to put two fingers in his mouth and blow on them like he's trying to whistle. Tonight, while he did that he no longer looked like he was trying to whistle, but more like he was shoving his fingers down his throat and I thought "Fabulous, I have an 11-month-old bulemic." Perhaps I should stop referring to him as "chubbers"... maybe he's getting a complex.

You know what... i just thought of a #3. How early is too early to go to bed? Because as a mommy I'm finding that sometimes I want MY bedtime to be 9:00. Man, you just don't appreciate bed times when you have them.

Suffocation and other neurotic mother worries

I was thinking that it was lack of sleep that makes you crazy as a mother... but now I think it's the worry. I keep thinking, when will I stop worrying about him suffocating. If I put him down with a blanket or anything remotely soft, I find myself sneaking into his room a million times to make sure he's breathing. I know it's neurotic, but I can't stop myself. And then I thought to myself today... "it won't matter if I stop worrying about the breathing, because then I'll worry about something else."

These are the crazy worries that go through my head (don't laugh, you too will worry about nutty things as a mother) -
1. one of the kids at daycare will feed him something too large while Debbey is changing another kid and he'll choke to death
2. He'll suffocate on a blanket, toy, sheet, hood, sweatshirt, couch cushion, etc.
3. he'll be bullied in school
4. he'll be the bully
5. he'll choke and i won't know know how to dislodge it
6. he'll eat something and have an allergic reaction that i can't react to quickly enough
7. someday he'll play with friends near/in water and they'll drown him

It's terrible, but this kind of crap springs into my mind all the time. I swear.. I'm crazy. And someday, as he gets older I'll worry about no girlfriend or too may girlfriends. I'll worry about him being good at sports or math or music or writing. I'll worry about him meeting the wrong girl and then that he'll meet the right girl. I'll worry that he' not smart enough... or too smart. I'll worry that he's not happy, that he doesn't confide in me, that I'm not providing the best life for him.

Now my mother's constant worry makes sense. She always seemed to worry about how she treated us or how we felt about her, life, school, etc. As a kid with no worries, I thought she was nuts.

Now I know.

She's a mom.

Of New Teeth and Ear Infections

As the title of my blog would indicate... these little suckers need to come with instruction manuals.

William got his first ear infection a few weeks ago and 2 days after it cleared up... his 2nd one arrived. He's now on his 2nd string of antibiotics and I'm hoping his last for a while. It's been a roller coaster of sleep and tummy problems. Thank god they make the medication taste so good that he'll eat it. I think he thinks it's yogurt or something.

I had no idea he had an ear infection because I have an incredibly happy baby. I kept hearing that kids would scream and grab their ears and refuse to nurse. My ONLY tip that something was wrong was a terrible night where he screamed all night and we thus got only 2 hours of sleep. I finally figured out that he was screaming from a fever (102 degrees) and got him to to the doc. The doc looked in his ears and prounounced that he had rather advanced infections in both ears and "wasn't he acting sick?" At this point, William was sitting on the exam table smiling, laughing and slapping his knees... so I pointed to him and said, "nope... he acts like this. He didn't pull at his ears or anything!"

Of course, just then, William pulled at an ear and the doc said, "what, like that?" Great. Mother of the year here. So we had 7 days of antibiotics and THANK GOD my mother was here for a visit to help me out with most of it. Because after the 7th day, we had two great days and then ANOTHER grumpy night (not as bad as the first). I get a call from my mother and she says that he's cool, but his head is warm and when she takes his temp it's over 101. So back to the doc we go (here's the thing, I had just gotten a call the night before after his well check telling me his tests came out great and he's one HEALTHY kid). The doc looks surprised to see us again since he just saw us yesterday, but then takes a look and says the infections are back. So now were in round two of antibiotics, this time for 10 days. Ugh.

Here's the total kicker though. If you read a baby book or ask a doctor, they will tell you that colds, fevers, ear infections, etc... are NOT caused by teething. Mothers and nurses, however, will tell you differently, and I'm joining the ranks of those moms now. You see... William is getting at least 2 teeth right now (just discovered this). They're his "eye teeth" which I hear from experienced moms are the worst. Well, so far they suck. My mother in law said my sis in law got an ear infection with each new tooth. If that happens with William, I'll be in the funny farm, so look for me there.

I just have to say thank god for experienced moms. I'm surrounded by them at work and they're getting me through all this teeth and ear crap. And they were an invaluable resource for the past few months of questions about diapers, baby tylenol, sleep training, self-feeding, etc.

Can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

The Road to H...

You know what they say about good intentions (you know... the road to hell is paved with them). Anyway, I had intentions of blogging about mommyhood from day one, but that shows you what an inexperienced mommy I am. Those first couple months I was lucky to have time to shower and eat, much less think about things like blogging.

So what have I learned? It's okay not to have time to do my hair. It's okay if the toilets don't always get cleaned once a week or if I go 3 weeks in between mopping. It's okay to go to the store in sweats with no make up and it's okay if I don't manage to cook homemade meals at least 5 days a week. Because what I won't get back is that extra hour I spent playing on the floor with my boy William. Or that hour we spent sleeping together on the couch. I won't get back that day I never showered because I was so enchanted about him laughing for the first time that I spent all his waking moments trying to make him laugh.

What amazes me is how much I've forgotten already. I thought my first entry could be a catching up on these past 9 months because there's no way I could forget. But you do. I forget exactly what those 13 hours of labor pains felt like before they finally told me I was having a C-section because he wouldn't descend and his heart rate was slowing. I forget the utter delirious exhaustion of those difficult first nights in the hospital that my mom spent with me where, determined that I would succeed at breastfeeding, I struggled until I was sweating to get William latched on. I've forgotten being a zombie those first two weeks with my mom staying with us, Mike staying home from work and my sister over as much as possible to try to help me somehow get rest in an endless cycle of nurse-pump-eat-wash pumping stuff-sleep if possible and start over. I've forgotten the emotional roller coaster of returning to work and taking him to daycare that first day. I've forgotten packing a "lunch box" full of food for the nursery each night so that I could sustain my energy while nursing William every 2-3 hours. I've forgotten the hand-off with my husband as he took the last late-night feeding and anything else that happened prior to 2 a.m. while I took anything that happened after 2 until we both got up at 6:00am to start all over. I've forgotten the elation of realizing my son slept through the night for the first time on Halloween.

Mike, William and I have now settled into a pattern... or as much of one as you can have with an infant. Teething, fevers, developmental milestones, etc... can interfere with it, but we still have a pattern. Mike gets him up & dressed in the morning while I feed him and pump. I feed William at lunch. When we get home we share the duties of getting William and the dogs fed sometime between 6:00 and 6:30 while getting our own dinner going as well. Then we juggle cleaning up, William's bath around 8:00 and getting him to bed by around 9:00. He'll usually sleep until 6:00 or 7:00 and then we begin again.

It's a good life. An awesome one actually. I thought that tonight as I watched my husband sitting on the floor making his son laugh. I have two beautiful gifts looking me in the face every day... the love of my life and the miracle he helped me create. On second thought this is not the road to hell... but heaven. :)