So, two posts ago I wallowed in my own insecurities about what others might think of my parenting and I realized, thanks to a friend, that I'm looking at it all wrong. I'm stressing out for nothing!
You see, my friend Julie is in the middle of her own personal hell right now and yet she took the time the other night to listen to/share kid woes with me (her son is the same age as William). She said two key things that made me say, "oh my god, I've got this all wrong!". #1 as we talked about what struggles we're having with our boys and how different my daughter is from William, when I asked for her advice she merely said, "I don't know, really. I'm sorry, we just keep trying different things to see what works." And #2 she expressed her worry that sometimes, in losing her temper, she feared she was teaching her son the wrong lesson. And I realized, I shouldn't be paranoid about what other parents think... they're in the same boat I am! They have their own worries, their own styles, their own kids and their own lives to worry about... they're not judging mine! Shoot, if there were just one answer, there WOULD be an instruction manual by now. But there's not. We're different people, with different temperaments, with different kids. We're all trying, succeeding, falling down, getting up again, finding answers and finding new questions. What works for her son may not work for William, what works for William may not work for Elizabeth, what works for William THIS WEEK may not work for him next week. It's a crap-shoot kids. She was just brave (or sane) enough to admit it. She gave me the freedom to admit that it's okay to say, "I don't know... I'm just trying." In my insecurity, I feel like I have to have the right answers and I have to have them now. But carrying a child in my womb doesn't give me all the answers (nor does it give me eyes in the back of my head, but don't tell William). I will keep having to learn new lessons, and it's OKAY. Parenting is on-the-job training, you don't get the answers BEFORE the test... you discover them as you go.
So as I struggle with William right now, and he IS a major struggle right now... I will remember to enjoy being around other parents rather than stressing. Because I might learn something cool from them. I might see something they do that will spark an idea for me. And if I'm lucky, I'll return the favor by maybe thinking of something THEY haven't thought of yet. Instead of stressing that my friend Summer is WAY quieter when she disciplines than I am, I'll watch and learn... either that I want to follow her example or maybe that her example won't work for my kid. But either way, I'll learn. And when Julie and Nate (her boy) and William and I are having a playdate, I'll enjoy the differences... in our kids, in our parenting styles, in ourselves. It makes life more interesting and I may learn something new and exciting. And when my sister-in-law and her hubby and kids visit, or when my sister has her own child in November... I won't stress if we have different table rules, or discipline styles, or bedtime rituals or whatever. I'll be too busy worrying about whatever experiment I'm trying and they'll be too busy worrying about theirs.
My therapist once told me that in my own anxiety, I spend WAY too much time worrying what others think of me and not enough time living. She pointed out that everyone has their own worries, their own insecurities and their own lives... they're too busy to worry about mine. So I should stop worrying about them and just GO LIVE!
And so I will. This week, I will enjoy the differences between William and Elizabeth and learn to find what works for them separately. And as we struggle to deal with our latest challenge with William (he's forgetting his manners, he's WAY too hyper around company, he's being very argumentative and combative)... I'll just have to keep trying new things. I'll come up with my own plans or perhaps borrow some from other parents that might work. But most of all... I'll be OKAY with it. I'll accept that I don't have the answers and accept that no one else does either. We're all in this together. I'd better learn to enjoy the adventure rather than stew in my paranoia... because the last lesson I want to teach William is to lose sight of the road because he's focusing too much what's around the next bend instead of just putting one foot in front of the other. I want to teach him to enjoy the journey instead of wishing the whole time that he had a map that tells him exactly where to go.
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