The BIG and the little things

Parenting is a roller coaster ride folks, or at least, it has been for me as of late. In the past few weeks I've struggled with my own depression, exhaustion, both kids being sick and our dog having a cancerous tumor removed (the cost of which eliminated my plans for visiting family in Southern California in August). I'm in therapy to handle all that I'm dealing with right now and, since today has been one of the calmest in a long time, I found myself reading past blogs and watching William and reading the posts/writings of other parents/friends I know. In doing all this I realized just how BIG the little things can be to a kid. I thought about how I really I have to remember to stop, think, observe and enjoy William and his growth and choose my lessons, my discipline and my words carefully because I am his example and his guide.

My biggest thing is that I'm trying to remind myself to be a calmer parent, to remember how hard it is to be 4 years old, how huge just one harsh word or look from a mother can be, how discouraging a bad mood on a mom can be, how awesome one butterfly can be, how amazing a new friend is, and how long just 5 minutes can be to a 4 year old boy and how what is logical to an adult just doesn't occur to a young mind.

Did you ever read the Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary or Judy Blume's books like Superfudge or Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing? The magic of those books were how well the authors captured what the world looks like TO A YOUNG CHILD, not to an adult observing a young child. I wonder if those women were parents because when I watch William, my own thinking as a child comes back to me so clearly and it makes me smile at how HUGE the world is to a small child.

I forget how William's blow-up pool (which looks small to me) can become a shark-filled ocean, a large boat, a huge water park, his swimming class, a space ship and a fishing lake just with the power of imagination. I'm swept back to summers with my twin sister, crawling around in our much smaller kiddie pool and how we were mermaids and sea captains and passengers on a sinking ship. On the oh-my-god-I've-got-to-breathe-and-become-a-better-parent side... I also forget how my snapping in my exhaustion at William for forgetting to look for his sister before going down the slide or telling him that I just don't want to go in the pool right now can crush him instantly. I've got to slow down and play with him and I'M the one who needs to watch his sister so that he can just be an excited little boy.

I forget how real the characters in a story can become when you have a vivid imagination (which I always did as a child). After reading William a bit of one of his books today, I was charmed on the way to the park how an "imaginary" Jack, Katie and Cyclops (all from the book) were accompanying us. William made a point of opening the door for them when we walked downstairs to get his dad and made a point of telling his Daddy they were "walking right behind us" as we walked to the park.

I forget how much a child can look forward to something and how awed they are to be special in someone's eyes. My sister has 3 work friends Katie, Reed and Bekah who apparently love to play with William because he is one FUNNY little man. Katie and Reed (a couple) are moving away and wanted to hang and play baseball with him one last time before they left, but the day we were to join them all for brunch and some park time, William spiked a huge fever. It KILLED me to watch this kid who was red, roasting, listless with glazed eyes (103.5 fever) try to pretend to feel better JUST so he could go to the brunch he had been looking forward to all week. It took me back to being a kid when I was supposed to go fishing with my folks in the Sierras and I tried the "mind over matter" method to feeling better because I didn't want to spoil the trip. As a kid, the disappointment is monumental and cannot be made up. And then after he began to whine about my cancelling the outing right when Elizabeth was doing her "mommy, mommy, mommy" I snapped at him. Watching his little face fall was a slap in my own face. I apologized as I realized that I have the power to just crush his little spirit when I forget how hard it is to be strong and handle disappointment when you're 4. And tonight, as we did a make-up dinner and baseball at my sister's house, I lost it a couple times when William forgot his manners or got too loud in his excitement and spoke so harshly to him that I was immediately shamed when I saw his face. 4 year olds don't have the mental capacity or self control to contain their excitement and instead of pulling him aside and quietly reminding him (as I will have to do often as children that young cannot be expected to remember these lessons immediately), I embarrassed him in front of his "buddies". Way to go mom. Not sitting properly in a dinner chair when you're 4 and excited is a little thing... and yet I made it huge when it was an opportunity to show him how to live and just let go sometimes. Ugh.

Finally, I want to remember the more beautiful moments in seeing how big the little things are. In the past few weeks I've taken the kids with me on more errands and let William do more with me at home as I've realized that sometimes I can't get everything done on the weekend or when they're napping. I also realized in bringing them with me or involving William, that we've missed out in the past and I need to do it more often. For while running my errands I've seen how William's afternoon was made just by us taking a few moments to watch the jackhammer, dump truck and excavator working outside my optometrist's office. I realized how important he felt when he got to pick out tomatoes, put vegetables in the baggies and put groceries on the belt at check-out at the store. I saw him beam when he got to hold Sasha's leash at the Vet and make Elizabeth laugh during a doctor's appointment. I saw him puff up with pride when he remembered all the odds and ends on my shopping list at Target and then carried the bag filled with "his stuff" all by himself. I saw him build his confidence just by flipping his own pancakes, scrambling an egg, cutting his own food with a knife and putting his own dishes in the sink or water bottle back in the fridge all by himself. I saw him go from writing barely legible A's to very well drawn capital A's as I let him "make a grocery list" while I cleaned up the kitchen the other day.

It took me back in such a good way. I remember my Opa "letting" me wash dishes with him all by myself and feeling like such a big girl. I remember writing my name with my Opa and feeling like I'd conquered the world. I remember stirring cake batter with my mom or grandmother in the kitchen and how that could be better than any toy, TV show or promise... just to have that time with them and to do something that felt so BIG, so important. I remember feeling like I was glowing from within when my step-dad took the time to just sit with me and teach me to play piano. I remember the wonderful freedom and silly rebellion I felt when my mom whisked us away mid-school day once so that we could go up to the Sierras for some fishing. And I remember being so in to a story that I felt like the characters were all sitting right there with me.

I think I just need to wallpaper my house in sticky-notes so that I can remind myself over and over to be patient, to take a moment when I'm exhuasted so that I don't make William suffer for my own issues, to sometimes forget floor cleaning and play with my kiddos instead and to remember that I WILL have to repeat my instructions, lessons and words over and over and that that is OKAY, because William is 4. He won't think about how running too fast around the kitchen island is just a recipe for knocking over his sister. He won't look to make sure he's eating over his plate because he's just too busy EATING. He's too excited to be using a big-boy toothbrush to remember to keep his head over the sink when he spits. He doesn't realize just how LOUD his voice is when he is excited. When he successfully makes another kid or even better an adult laugh, he WILL get over-excited and be nutty because it feels wonderful to be noticed. To him, waiting a "couple minutes" so I can dry dishes can be an eternity. To him, getting to measure the flour or stir in the milk to help make the pancakes is WAY more important than having the pancakes on the table in time. I need those sticky notes to remind me that it's my job to make sure we have enough time to get places, that I need to make sure that my phone calls and emails and work and errands are done and not a reason for William to stress out, that if I keep him up late or let him get up late or wake him mid nap it is ridiculous to expect him to behave like anything other than an over-tired 4 year old, that it's MY JOB to make sure he goes potty before buckling himself in the car because 4 year olds don't plan ahead and that it's MY JOB to balance his and Elizabeth's varying needs due to their age-span because until he's older HE is the center of his world. And most of all I have to realize how lucky I am. He is alive, healthy, smart and funny. I get to stay at home with my children. I have a happy marriage. I have a great support system of family and friends, even if some of them aren't physically close. I need to view the world through his eyes when I'm about to lose patience, yell, punish, correct, command or teach... because I have to remember just how BIG all the little things can be.