When Sleep Isn't Sleep

Those of you who are parents know that sometimes you sleep with your kid because they want to, other times because YOU do. You see, William sleeps by himself quite well... has since he was 7 weeks old. So we've never had the major struggles or worries about letting him sleep with one of us (or having us sleep with him) every once in a great while.

The thing any parent can tell you is that when you sleep with your child... you don't sleep. There are a number of reasons:

1) They're sick. Especially when they are infants and you're as paranoid a mom as I am... you won't sleep. You'll spend the night repositioning them so they can breath, not vomit, not cough, etc. You'll spend the night feeling their forehead, adding or removing blankets and/or clothing, wiping noses with tissue, heads with washcloths or (in the worst-case scenario) having to strip and re-make the bed. But you'll do it with little/no anger, just a resigned sense of love and duty as you suddenly remember your parents did this for you and you suddenly realize there is no way to thank them for all their sacrifices and sleepless nights.

2) They're "movers". William is a mover (as i believe his sister will be if her in-utero actions are any indication). This is karma kids. I was a mover, you see. Mom and sis both did not want to share a bed with me for fear of looking like they came out of the wrong side of a heavy-weight title match in the morning. I kicked, flailed, rolled, punched, smacked and wriggled. I can remember waking up as a child with my head at the foot of my bed and my feet on my pillows by morning. Well... William is the same. Sometimes I'm so tired, it pisses me off... but mostly I laugh. I laugh because I now know what I did to my mom. I remember the first time I slept with William when he was too old to be held while we slept and he rolled over and socked me right in the eye. I laughed so hard I nearly woke him up. I had to call mom the next morning and tell her that karma had struck back in her honor. I've also woken up with his feet in my face, his butt in my back, his palm slapping my forehead, his finger in my nose... you get the picture.

3) This best reason for no sleep... because you can't stop watching them. Last night as a "treat" William and I slept in the bed in the office because for some strange reason, he LOVES to sleep in the office. That and due to some pre-term labor issues, I'm limiting trips upstairs. So after he falls asleep, I get up to do some emailing and eating and when I return to bed, I find I can't sleep. I'm just staring at this little wonder who is hugging my body pillow like he's the pregnant one and marvelling that he came from me. In his sleep he grabs my hand and holds it and I'm just gone. I'm so in love with motherhood I can't take it. I must have watched him for over an hour before falling asleep. In that hour he moves all over the place, checks for me, snores and stops, pulls a blanket onto himself and then onto me, shoves the blanket off both of us and then finally rolls far onto the other pillow. I watch it all just amazed at this life and wishing it would all slow down.

He's already 2 1/2 with a sister on the way and it feels like he was just born sometimes. I call him a baby and realize he isn't. It's so wild and wonderful and crazy and beautiful. Now I know my my mom says she wouldn't trade motherhood for anything.