Remember: as you do... they will too

So I'm learning a lesson from my son as of late... As a parent you have to watch how you handle EVERYTHING because as you do... they will too. If you yell and scream when you're frustrated, so will they. If you punish yourself for simple mistakes, so will they. And, unfortunately, if you are stressed out, they will be too.

This last one has hit me hard as of late and I'm dealing with a parental emotion I'm sure I will feel many times over... guilt.

You see, I'm nearing the end of a particularly hard pregnancy fraught with bleeding, cramping, early labor worries, bedrest, complications from a different surgery and gestational diabetes. I've felt the stress for sure and have been particularly conscious in the last couple months about the horrible stress it has put on my husband. He's had to take on way more than his share of the usual chores that we split and has had to take on more than his share of William duties as well. What we forgot to factor is is that, in the middle of all this, William has become stressed too. Enter MAJOR GUILT.

It finally dawned on me as I read a Baby Center article on toddler stress (for those of you yet to be parents, REGISTER ON THIS SITE AS SOON AS YOU BECOME PREGNANT! It's full of handy articles and advice). I get an email from Baby Center weekly based on the age of my child (and the stage of my pregnancy) and they are often right on track with where William is. Two weeks ago, I got one emailed about "Toddler acting out more than normal due to stress".

Duh! I can't believe I didn't think of it. Here I am thinking William's "terrible twos-threes stage" has just hit a particularly nasty slide and totally forgot that he's living in this house with a mom who's stressed/frustrated that she can't do very much and a stressed/frustrated dad who's doing SO much. He's put up with schedule changes (sometimes home from daycare once a week, sometimes not), bedtime ritual interruptions (either due to visitors or my lack of ability to get up the stairs to his room), different play patterns as we've adjusted to my level of mobility and diet changes as I haven't been able to cook as much as before. This poor kid. All this interruption and now a new sibling will be added in a week or less!

William's care giver has even noticed it. She often contends (much to my pleasure) that despite his need to defy, test, etc., he is still truly one of the best kids she's ever had. He benefits from the fact that she runs her home the way we run ours and her ideas and ours about behavior, manners and discipline are nearly identical. That makes it easier on the kid, I tell you... so if you're becoming a parent, truly look for a caregive you see eye-to-eye with and your child will benefit from the consistency. Anyway, back to her noticing his stress. She said the other day, for the first time ever, William threw a 1/2-hour fit after nap time about needing me. She was so caught off guard (William is usuallly easily distractable and not prone to fits) that she felt she had to mention it. Man, did I feel terrible. It was on a day that he normally gets to stay home ith me, but I was in too much pain to manage him that day.

So I'm going to try. I'm going to try to balance patience with boundaries. I'm going to try to learn to cool off instead of yelling, so that I can teach him that a time-out is truly something we ALL take to sit down and re-think... not just a punishment. I'm going to try to understand that his efforts to prolong bed-time are sometimes more of a reflection of his feeling that he doesn't get much of mommy anymore and not just another place to be defiant. I'm going to try to understand that it's not worth getting frustrated if he only want cucumbers and milk for dinner (the past two nights), as long as he's eating. I'm going to try to understand that a little outing to Starbucks (now his favorite) can make his day after he's had a particularly bad one. I'm going to try to understand that sometimes his "no!" is an effort to exert some control in his currently out-of-control life rather than his just trying to piss mommy off. I'm going to try to stop applying the label "good boy" and "bad boy" and rather make it about "good choice" or "bad choice".

Does that mean the "teaching" of manners will stop? No. Will I stop offering him "choices" to pick a preferred behavior (e.g. take a time out or listen to mommy)? No. I don't want to break his good habits or let them slide. I'm just going to try to remember not to yell when he makes the "bad choice", but rather calmly let him experience the consequences (time outs, no bed-time story, etc). I'm going to try to point out his "good choices" rather than only noticing the bad (Mike is decidedly better at this than I am). And finally, I'm going to try to remember that he's stressed out and a little bewildered by what's going on in the house right now. That he's too young to totally grasp it and to try to look at it through his eyes.

I want a boy who's assertive enough to stand up for himself while aware enough to show good manners and kindness. I want a boy who can spill milk and calmly clean it up as an "accident" and not fear anger or get angry at himself. I want a boy who can learn to calm down and breath, not go red in the face.

In short, I want what all parents want for their kids. I want to be a perfect parent and for him to know how to make his own success. I know I can't be perfect though... but I can try to be good. And I can try to help him through this stressful time, since I certainly can't change the circumstances that have caused the stress.

Heard From The Throne

So my son being potty trained has brought on a whole new joy in life... words heard from the throne. My son is rather chatty, you see, and lately has taken to taking his time on the potty and so Mike and I often tell him to just call us when he's done. Well, while we're waiting for him... we often hear some lovely gems from his perch on the potty. Here are some of our favorites:

"Ummm (sigh) no... I'm just calming down" - his response after I asked him if he was done after a particularly long silence on the pot.

"Can I have a book?" - I died. My son is already taking to potty reading, and he can't read!

"ABCD..." - he decided to sing his ABC's one day on the potty when it was taking a long time to go #2.

"My penis is still peeing"

"You can't come in yet"

"Can you read me a story in here?"

"No mommy, you can't come in... I asked Oom Kyle" - when I attempted to check on him in the potty and his uncle (Oom Kyle) was over.

"The poop's not coming out... I need belly stuff!" - he loves to ask for "belly stuff" which is either children tums or his gummy vitamins or Children's Tylenol.

"I didn't POOP, I just tooted!" -Yelled at me after telling me he was ready for me to come in.

Here, however, is our absolute favorite... which was more of a tirade than a statement. Last night William was having an upset tummy night and made 4, count 'em 4, trips to the potty at bed-time and Mike and I were lying on his bed waiting for him to finish. Mike called "are you done yet!?" from his bedroom and this is what followed:

"Quiet Daddy! I'm not talking to you... I'm talking to mommy!"
(Mike interrupts with, 'well mommy's lying down so I'm getting you')
"Shhhh! Daddy, I'm talking to MOMMY! You can't talk to me and you can't come in. I'm not done yet and I'm talking to mommy and I'm not talking to you.
(Mike interrupts with 'don't you talk to me that way' and then whispers to me trying not to laugh... 'our son just shhhh'd me!')
"Quiet Daddy! I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to you and I'm talking to mommy and mommy's coming in and you be quiet because I'm talking to mom..."
(Mike and I are now howling with laughter... William can be heard laughing too and continues) "So you can't come in and I'm not done and I'm just sitting here. I'm talking to mommy and I'm not ready and I'm just sitting here".
(I try to calm down and ask, totally choking and laughing... 'are you done yet? can mommy come in?') He replies (singing the last word in a high pitched voice)
"nooooo... I'm still working on my POOOOOPS!".
At this point, Mike and I are laughing so hard we're CRYING, and imitating him singing the word POOOOOPS. We cannot believe this is our kid. I finally manage to calm down enough to ask him if I can come in yet and he says "yes", but when I go in he's STILL not done. So I go and lie down on the couch in the playroom (You can see into the bathroom from there) and wait for him to finish. At last he lets me clean him up and put on his jammies and he looks at me innocently like it's not bedtime and we haven't spent the last 1/2 hour waiting for him to finish so we can continue our bedtime ritual and asks:

"Wanna play?"

Holy crap, who is this child?