What will they think?

As I child, I was often worried (too worried) about what others thought of me. So I continually modified my behavior, my opinions, my style of dress, etc. to suit those around me. As I've been watching William over the past couple of weeks, I realize that he, too, is like this and I'm not sure if he learns it from me (kids are very adept at picking up on their parents stresses, moods and worries) or if it's an innate quality. Unfortunately his nervousness often manifests into an over-attempt to impress/entertain/gain approval from friends and family whom he seldom sees and he can get either hyper or over-sensitive. Unfortunately, I also realized, that I STILL care too much what others think and now that I'm a mother... I care too much what they think of my children, particularly my eldest as he is much more open to judgement at nearly 4 years old than is his sister (who at a year old is often just the, "awww isn't she cute" half of my duo).
I was analyzing last night why I'd been so stressed over the past couple weeks and it's because it has been particularly full of family and friends. Between a brunch/baseball game with my sis and her friends, a huge Mother's Day gathering at my house, 3 playdates with friends he cherishes very much and whose mothers mean a lot to me... it's been a lot. Not because it's bad to be busy or see all those people, but because I finally realized last night, that I was worrying too much of what those people thought of my parenting and of William's behavior. As we played with my friend Summer and her boy Gavin, I realized that I tried to soften my voice, my demeaner and my discipline because they are much quieter people than Mike, William, I (and I assume Elizabeth too) are. At Mother's Day I found myself worrying if my sister and her hubby, my in-laws and my sis-in-law and her hubby found me too harsh, too soft, or a combination. Around my other friend Julie, who is less strict than I, I found myself struggling to make my house rules known lest it seem like I was criticizing her in the process.
I've come to the conclusion (and those of you mentioned in this who will read this, please don't take offense)... it doesn't matter what anyone thinks. I have to do what I feel is right and parent the way I want to parent. I have to take pride in the fact that, so far, every teacher, coach, babysitter and co-Mom's Club or Tiny Tots member that I've talked to has commended me on my son's behavior. Yes, he can get loud... but I don't find loudness, unless it's combined with rudeness or done when I've asked for quiet, to be bad behavior. He is a GOOD kid. But more important than what those teachers, coaches, etc. have said...what matters is that MIKE AND I think he's a good kid. That he behaves (in our house) the way WE EXPECT and follows the house rules in other people's houses. Because I want to teach William to be who HE IS, no matter what others think as long as it doesn't hurt others or stop their right to be themselves. If he likes baseball when his other friends don't, so be it! If he likes Star Wars or cooking or Iron Man or doing puzzles and other kids don't, who cares?
So if my friend Julie thought I was too harsh making William clean up his sand toys before joining the other boys in the big playground, so be it. I want William learning to clean up for himself. And if she thought it was too harsh when I told her son that at my table toys are not allowed during eating time, but since it was a special time he and William could be excused before she and I finished, so be it. I want William knowing what I expect of him at the table and that during a special time (Nate just lost his grandpa), we can sometimes make exceptions to make the most of the short time we might have with special friends.
If Julie, Summer, my neighbors, my sister, family or in-laws disagree with our table rules or house rules, so bet it. In our house a disrespectful noise earns an instant time-out. In our house we respect eachother's words and boundaries (this one is taking major reminding right now... he has trouble being GENTLE). In our house you are seated during the family meal and excused when all are finished... however, during "long" occasions (ie. the adults will be talking for a LONG time) he may be excused early to play in ANOTHER AREA or he may color quietly at the table. In our house, it is okay to ask questions of mom and dad or to make a goofy face/sound at your sister to make her laugh. Dinner time for us is family time and requires manners, but it is not done in stone silence. We have fun, we laugh, we talk to each other. I want William to know this is okay, even if at Tante's house, Aunt Jo's house or Mom Mom's house it might be different. And in my house you SHARE the larger toys and the rule with other toys is that it is not okay to grab away toys, but if you put it down and walk away from it, it is fair game. In our house I don't care who started it, I WILL FINISH it. I won't always catch who did what or who said what, so my policy is to re-state the rule and restore order without assigning blame. I want William to know that you must share, you cannot hord, that I won't take sides and that, even in his house, he gets no special priveleges, in fact... if anyone does, it's the guest! I also need him to know that if the rules are different elsewhere he MUST follow them. He is to respect and obey his elders in their respective homes, classes, etc.
If my friend Summer thinks my voice is too loud or harsh when I correct William or that he and I play too energetically... so be it! I want William to enjoy a crazy game of baseball (with or without the proper rules), a frenetic game of basketball, a story full of silly faces and noises, playing with his sister even if it means both of them squealing at the top of their lungs, and being the boy he wants to be because life is short and I want him to make the most of it. He just can't do it at the expense of others. They don't have to like it... but they cannot be harmed by it.
I know he will forget his manners, shove and be shoved, cry, be too hyper, be too quiet, be too sensitive, etc. These will be my moments to teach him. I know he will have to learn that different rules apply in different places... so far he's pretty adept at understanding that, but he can learn even more. I know at times I can spoil him, but I'm also able to tell him (as I did just last week) "no" in the toy aisle of a store and have him calmly reply "okay, mommy". I accept that some will find my parenting too harsh, some too lenient and some just right... and I will learn not to care. Because I want William to know who HE IS. I want him to care for others as he wants to be cared for... but not to change who he is because of their opinions. I want him to know what he wants and to respect that others may want something different. I want him to respect others' differences in appearance, tastes, discipline, religion, politics, etc. WITHOUT judgement and with careful thought. And I want him to know all this because I want to lead by example. I want to be me no matter who I'm around.
And most importantly I have to say, so far I'm very proud of the son I'm raising. This is a boy who when someone else cries at Tiny Tots says, "mom, can we go cheer them up?". This is a boy who, tonight, when he sensed I wanted a quiet dinner, sat and ate quietly and then asked me if I was sad. When I assured him I was just tired, he offered me a piece of the special chocolate bar his daddy bought just for him. This is the boy who, when I say it's time to leave the playground/friend's house/park, etc. says nearly without fail "okay mommy" without tantrum or protest. This is the boy who, when someone attempts to correct him in our house per a rule he KNOWS is not mine, still obeys and then asks me later quietly if that was right. This is a boy who asks me daily (more than once a day actually), "Mommy, how's your day so far?" and actually cares what my answer is. This is the boy who, when we went to breakfast with parents who had far different restaurant rules than I had, accepted my answer of "different mommies have different rules" without question even though he was sad he wasn't allowed to do what the other boy was doing. This is a boy who can tease his sister one minute and then offer her his favorite doll the next. This is the boy who wells up with tears when he thinks he's offended someone or done something to make them mad. This is a boy who is doing 100 piece puzzles, reading before the age of 4, learning to write all his letters, already helping with the dishes/dogs, etc. and doesn't complain when doing any of the above interrupts his play time.
So I will stop stressing about what my friends and family and acquaintances think of me, my kids or my parenting. I will learn to be confident in my choices so my kids in turn, will be confident in theirs. And, although I am not the patient, quiet, calm parent I would prefer to be... I will be proud of who I am, who I am becoming and who I am raising. I hope William can be just as confident. He's an amazing kid, and I don't care if you agree.